Tuesday, March 25, 2008

8 Signs You Masturbate Too Much

Most of us won’t admit to it, but we all do it, even you. Come on, you know what I’m talking about–blog masturbation. You really shouldn’t, as it can cause numerous psychological symptoms such as low self-esteem, obsessive-compulsive disorder and panic attacks. Here is how you know when you’ve gone too far, so that you can keep from going blind.
cat blog bloggrrl

1. You are becoming obsessive.

You check your page stats not only every day, but several times a day. If the stats are lower one day than they were the day before, you cry. You may already be using that auto-erotic blog toy called Google Analytics and looking at who’s watching you. You are so, so nasty.

2. You’re giving yourself LOTS of love.

You just adore that new header you spent all that time jacking around with. Isn’t it slick? Oooh, nice header. Okay, click on out of your own page already and check out someone else for a change. And link to others at least as often as you link to yourself.

3. Your work is beginning to suffer.

You’re hitting Technorati more often than you are responding to your boss’s emails. Technorati has your number. How low can you go? Jeez, you’re going to get a crick in your neck if you keep doing that.

4. You are starting to become numb.

Your blog no longer looks juicy. You are ready to call it quits, because you have only had five new visitors during the last hour. Fortunately, there’s an off button. Press it gently. There you go. Doesn’t that feel better?

5. You are getting sore.

If you are going to stay on MyBlogLog all day long, then get yourself an ergonomic chair. And a nice soft keyboard pad. Don’t get chafed from all that clicking.

6. You’re starting to get red.

Your eyes that is. What did you think I was talking about?? Hit the brightness button on your monitor and turn it down a tad. Or up. Up and down. Whatever.

7. You take your laptop into the bathroom at work.

You’ve gone too far, really.

8. Your personal relationships are beginning to suffer.

You have been writing posts five times a day for weeks. Your hands are tired. Your SO no longer remembers what you look like.
So now you know if you have a problem. If so, please get help before you go insane or grow hair in places that don’t have follicles. I recommend going cold turkey and shutting down your blog if this is happening to you. Then I can have all of the traffic to myself and have some peace….ahhhh.


Mike Stewart said...

Uh...so what's wrong with the other type of masturbation? Hey I've been doing it since I was 12 and am 67 now and still doing it. Ain't blind or crazy either...yet! Uhh...what was the question?

Rizzy said...

haha mike

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